i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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