i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
