how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i out mim tonsoeep
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize