I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
