I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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