dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
