so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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