so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
