if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
