I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
