paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize