I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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