this beer tastes like vomit already
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
