M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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