I can't breathe out the right side of my face
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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