Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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