I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
