remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
