when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
