I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
