Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
