I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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