i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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