I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
