For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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