I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
