I am puke
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
