i already hear my dad disowning me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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