i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
