I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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