so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
