Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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