I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
