I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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