Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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