I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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