Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
