I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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