how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
