I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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