I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
