it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
