Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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