I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
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As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just want to make out with him forever
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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