Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
