Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
