Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
