i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
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Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
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Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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