she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
