Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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