i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
