hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
