We won't sleep together?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
