on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
